It was the night before I left for Hawaii, and Patch had driven in to see people. Things went fine all day - I guess we bickered a little, (he was being oversensitive about people wanting him to stay longer when he had to work early the next day), but in all, everyone was just happy to see each other. Late in the evening I mentioned wanting to commission my dad to take some nature pictures in yellow and green to inspire the decor in my new apartment, wherever/whenever that may exist. I noticed Patch got a little weird after that, and when I went to leave he said he didn't think it was a good idea to look for a place together (we'd talked about it earlier in the month, and his exact words then were, "I don't think that would be a bad idea"). I told him I pretty much figured that, and that I'd been planning to get my own place anyway. He proceeded to tell me that he didn't like the way the day had gone, that he'd been feeling short with me lately, and then, and THEN, he said, "What are the things that you like about yourself?" And I said, "Are you asking me because you can't think of things you like about me?" And he said yes, that he'd found himself concentrating more on the things about me that annoyed him. I said my connection with nature, my love of animals, my closeness with my family, my guilty pleasure of reading romance novels. Basically, from there, he said that the issue of us not having things "in common" was still really bugging him, that he wanted us to share the same passions, as opposed to just finding things we liked to do together. And I finally said, just like I promised myself I would, "I can't keep doing this".
What it boils down to is that what we have isn't, and never will be, enough for him. I put it to him in those exact words, and he agreed. To me, love is the most important thing. To him, it's not enough. He's not willing to work to find things that we have in common, he just thinks they should be there, inherent. I get that. I just don't think it matters more than love, especially considering all the shit we've been through. He says, "That's where we disagree". There were many tears from both of us. It was all so fucking unexpected, and out of nowhere, and sudden. Before I left (around midnight, and I had to get up at 4:30 to catch my flight to Kauai), I asked him if he would ever have wanted to marry me. He said "Yes, and it would have been a mistake". He has convinced himself that he would be unhappy with what he have. Less than a month ago he was talking about theater opportunities in Austin, and he asked me if I would ever live in Austin. That was a very, very big victory for little ol' me. Ha.
I just got back from Hawaii today, exhausted as hell and covered with a sun poisoning rash. Patch and I chatted on Skype quite frequently when I was away, and talked about things, and it seems like it's definitely the right thing for us. That doesn't mean it doesn't suck. As my mom said, it sucks to be the one who loved the most.
Hawaii was surprisingly okay. I'm surprisingly okay, considering. I deserve someone who doesn't need me to explain why I'm interesting, who doesn't have a raging commitment phobia, who doesn't talk shit about my family and tell me he's scared I'll one day end up like my mom. I know that. But I still love him. And it sucks.
I have a feeling it's going to be harder now that I'm at home and settling back into my old routine. Hawaii was blessedly distracting.
I went on eharmony and cupid.com to just look at what kinds of things they think equal good compatibility. Very little had to do with individual hobbies and interests. I deserve someone better, I know. He himself said he knows there's some guy out there who's much better for me. And I definitely would love to be with someone who laughs hysterically at funny noises and loves animals and feels "fulfilled" (one of his words) by nature.
So that's that.