Ramblings

Jeebus it's been a while. My life is boring, being one excruciatingly long and redundant job search from my parents' couch, spotted with a few promising interviews that all eventually fell through. At the moment I'm waiting for second interviews at a printing company in Coralville and with Girl Scouts of America in Cedar Rapids. The printing company is the place where Jared works, which would be fun, and DON'T WORRY, I wouldn't be working with/for him, just in the same enormous building.
Speaking of, JARED IS WONDERFUL AND AMAZING AND I'M THE HAPPIEST I'VE EVER BEEN EVEN WITH THE WHOLE JOB-LACKING THING.
Mom and I have been practicing this year's Christmas performance - "O Come O Come Emanuel", which I chose because it's in a beautiful minor key and sounds haunting and passionate, which I think is a nice change from the more traditional songs played/sung for Christmas Eve services. I love playing at my grandparents' little church in the Wisconsin woods, and our flute/piano duets have become tradition there, which makes me feel special. I got a new flute and we're still getting to know each other, but I think Edelweiss and I are getting closer ;)

Hey! For all of you who've wondered what it's like to be the Dippin' Dots girl, friend/watch my new journal, dippindotsgirl. Sure to be sarcastic and entertaining.

Went to my oh-so-enjoyable yearly lady doctor's appointment. Maybe I'm just getting more used to it, but it went really easy and wasn't uncomfortable at all. And all this time, this doctor has been at my general family practice walk in! Awesome.
Then I got the Gardasil cervical cancer vaccine. And that motherfucker HURT. One of those ones you feel streaming in.
Went to the counter to pay, paid, felt something dribbling down my arm. The nurse hadn't put a band-aid over the injection site, so it was oozing blood. I pressed a kleenex to it and they took me back to stick a band-aid on it. Fine, whatever. Blood doesn't bother me. But was feeling more and more woozy, getting hot. Went back to the counter to sign for my copay, thinking that I'd just get to my car and sit with the windows down and feel better. Then the receptionist took a look at me and said, "...are you okay?" And I said, "No, I'm going to pass out." And I kinda did, right into a strategically placed wheelchair. Gagged once, twice, then puked, holding it in my mouth and gesturing frantically until they shoved a trash can under my face.
Felt fine immediately afterward.
They had me lay down in an empty exam room, brought me weirdly sweet-tasting water and a cool washcloth (because I was sweating profusely from those ten seconds of lightheadedpuketasticness).
Went home after 10 minutes. I feel a little weird, still got that buzzed feeling. Other than that, fine. Looked up side effects to the vaccine and sure enough, fainting was the most common, followed by nausea, dizziness, and soreness at the injection site. Thanks for telling me that, nurse.
So anyone getting vaccinated, you have that to look forward to. I still have two more to go.
Ass-flapping bizarre. (Took a quiz on my potty mouth, was told I'm not creative enough with my swearing.)

I had a date the other night
And my date looked like he might
Play
Magic: The Gathering by the
Way
He wore his socks scrunched down.
He climbed a tree
Like it might be
Boyishly charming and adorable to me
But his little beard was too piratey
To be charming
His little lisp was too distracting
And disarming
To me, expecting someone with nice teeth.
He closed his eyes like he was savoring
The taste of his blood orange gelato
But I knew he was afraid
That everyone was saying
How much prettier I was than him.

Is it coincidence that the latest mix I made, which was meant to be a mix of songs that I sound good singing along with, happens to be one of the greatest break-up mixes EVAR?

"I Quit" -Hepburn ("I quit/I quit/cause loving you is a job I don't need/Ain't gonna go to work no more")

"Swim" -Ani DiFranco ("I let you surround me/ I let you drown me/ out with your din/and then I learned how to swim" - this song, thanks to Annie, has been the best break up song ever, and has been so through multiple breakups.)

"Lollipop" - Mika ("Love's gonna get you down")

"Someone To Watch Over Me" - Renee Olstead ("Won't you tell him please to put on some speed/follow my lead/oh, how I need/someone to watch over me")

"Good Old Fashioned Loverboy" - Queen

"I'm Like A Bird" - Nelly Furtado (And though my love is real/and though my love is true/I'm like a bird/I'll only fly away")

"If I Had a Million Dollars" - Barenaked Ladies ("If I had a million dollars/I'd buy your love")

"Stay" - Lisa Loeb ("You call me cause you want me/the day you let me go/you try to give away a keeper/all because you know you're just so/scared to lose")

"Big Black Horse and a Cherry Tree" - KT Tunstall ("No, no/ no, no no no/ no, no/ you're not the one for me")

"Alcohol" - Barenaked Ladies (enough said)

Coincidence? I think not. Thanks, cosmos. (Like, the universe, not my mom's friends.)

So...
It was the night before I left for Hawaii, and Patch had driven in to see people. Things went fine all day - I guess we bickered a little, (he was being oversensitive about people wanting him to stay longer when he had to work early the next day), but in all, everyone was just happy to see each other. Late in the evening I mentioned wanting to commission my dad to take some nature pictures in yellow and green to inspire the decor in my new apartment, wherever/whenever that may exist. I noticed Patch got a little weird after that, and when I went to leave he said he didn't think it was a good idea to look for a place together (we'd talked about it earlier in the month, and his exact words then were, "I don't think that would be a bad idea"). I told him I pretty much figured that, and that I'd been planning to get my own place anyway. He proceeded to tell me that he didn't like the way the day had gone, that he'd been feeling short with me lately, and then, and THEN, he said, "What are the things that you like about yourself?" And I said, "Are you asking me because you can't think of things you like about me?" And he said yes, that he'd found himself concentrating more on the things about me that annoyed him. I said my connection with nature, my love of animals, my closeness with my family, my guilty pleasure of reading romance novels. Basically, from there, he said that the issue of us not having things "in common" was still really bugging him, that he wanted us to share the same passions, as opposed to just finding things we liked to do together. And I finally said, just like I promised myself I would, "I can't keep doing this".
What it boils down to is that what we have isn't, and never will be, enough for him. I put it to him in those exact words, and he agreed. To me, love is the most important thing. To him, it's not enough. He's not willing to work to find things that we have in common, he just thinks they should be there, inherent. I get that. I just don't think it matters more than love, especially considering all the shit we've been through. He says, "That's where we disagree". There were many tears from both of us. It was all so fucking unexpected, and out of nowhere, and sudden. Before I left (around midnight, and I had to get up at 4:30 to catch my flight to Kauai), I asked him if he would ever have wanted to marry me. He said "Yes, and it would have been a mistake". He has convinced himself that he would be unhappy with what he have. Less than a month ago he was talking about theater opportunities in Austin, and he asked me if I would ever live in Austin. That was a very, very big victory for little ol' me. Ha.
I just got back from Hawaii today, exhausted as hell and covered with a sun poisoning rash. Patch and I chatted on Skype quite frequently when I was away, and talked about things, and it seems like it's definitely the right thing for us. That doesn't mean it doesn't suck. As my mom said, it sucks to be the one who loved the most.
Hawaii was surprisingly okay. I'm surprisingly okay, considering. I deserve someone who doesn't need me to explain why I'm interesting, who doesn't have a raging commitment phobia, who doesn't talk shit about my family and tell me he's scared I'll one day end up like my mom. I know that. But I still love him. And it sucks.
I have a feeling it's going to be harder now that I'm at home and settling back into my old routine. Hawaii was blessedly distracting.
I went on eharmony and cupid.com to just look at what kinds of things they think equal good compatibility. Very little had to do with individual hobbies and interests. I deserve someone better, I know. He himself said he knows there's some guy out there who's much better for me. And I definitely would love to be with someone who laughs hysterically at funny noises and loves animals and feels "fulfilled" (one of his words) by nature.
So that's that.

I am locked out of my apartment. Is my purse at Ivy House or in Patch's car? I don't know, because my phone is also in my purse.
All I want to do is shower and play Sims Castaways.
I am sitting in the hallway outside my door, plugged into a conveniently located outlet.

Think I must go to the doctor and tell them to give me a mono test. I'm fine except for the unreasonable, unrelenting fatigue and all-over body aches. Has gone on for 2 weeks and am sick of it.
Am really sad about Colin, but I know it's for the best. I just keep thinking about my favorite Colin from freshman year. Ah, life.
Finished The Subtle Knife today. So good! And already so sad.
Hungry now.

Thirteen weeks since my last post. Lame! Of course the reason for my comeback would be thus: I want to color my hair.
Specifically, that sunny, coppery orange-red that I've lusted after forever. Like, as close to orange as I can get and still be natural-looking. Not that far from my color now, but more red, and more vibrant.
Henna? I want to try it because I've heard good things, but I trust you guys more than miscelaneous peeps. Don't really know which brands to trust or where to find them, and as I kinda want to do it....like...now......I'm not thrilled with the idea of ordering it and waiting a week or something. Because I'm a greedy impatient hussy who changes her mind way too much to wait.
Go get it done? Or have one of my very own experts do it? XD

Want this sick to be done and over with. Feeling much better, but still get that wave of dizzy and exhaustion after any sort of exertion that isn't Sims Castaway on Wii. And sometimes that even does it.

Le cramps.

How about I complain some more.

One more week and I'll get a new, better phone and will hopefully go back to my old number. F'lame. HA! Flame.

I'm all out of good tea and don't really know how to handle it. I'm stranded, as my car's way beyond stuck in the parking lot, which is fun, not.

If I color my hair, should I color my eyebrows too? No. Yes? Maybe.

Cannot decide what music I'm in the mood for. Am going from Billie Holiday to The Killers to The Beatles. Beatles aren't doin it.

Rascall Flatts.

I miss kissing my boyfriend. Sick is no fun. How are you supposed to make out when you can't breathe through your nose? Mouth breathing is not sexy when sick.

Just watched Waitress and now want to make a pie. ERIN! I owe you a pie for finding my power cord. What kind do you want?????

Just showered and dried my hair and am now a ridiculous amount of tired.

Have been making nightly offerings at my window. YAY MEGHAN THE PAGAN! (Must give Erin credit for that one.) Must also thank Erin for being up for impromptu Imbolc celebration in her living room. Next time I'll be more prepared and make you all jump a bonfire.

iTunes blues radio might be the winner.

Am having Harvest Moon withdrawl. Is that how you spell that? What the hell, did I catch Erin's concussion? Why is this post completely about Erin?

Newly discovered music for those who might enjoy a more indie-sounding Coldplay: Alpha Rev. Find them on mytracks.com. Lurve.
Been a while since my last update! Am becoming more and more at home with the idea of calling myself Wiccan. I'm still very much learning, and very much taking it slowly, but I think I'm getting to a definite yes.
Jeez, this band is good.
Discovered that my new mac has a teeny camera built into the monitor, and have been having way too much vain time using the iPhoto app that just lets you click and click away. I definitely do not have Tyra's squinty eye down. I think it makes my nose look huge when I do the squinty.
Wow I like this band.
Parents came down today and hung out! It was really nice to just walk around downtown with them. Especially Daddy, cause I never really hang out with him. Mom and I went to Stanley and tried out "What Child is This" on flute and piano. I think it's a yes for Christmas service at the Little White Church this year. Nice to play something other than "O Holy Night", which is spectacular, but we've played it twice now. I do not understand how my tone is still as good as it is. I never play. I wonder how good I might have gotten if I'd have majored in flute or something.
Slept in my own bed for the first time in a while last night. That damn mattress. I woke up with the usual neck and backache that accompanies sleeping in that bed, which is sad, cause my down comforter is so comfy. It's so floofy and soft and keeps me warm but still has this slightly cool temperature, which is the best for suggling. Mmm I'm almost tempted to go roll about in it now.
Don't know if I feel like going out tonight. Shouldn't spend money, but also I just haven't really felt like drinking lately. Except for Patch's bday bar outing. Still I feel like it might just be the part of me that hasn't hung out with friends all day and so is like, "oh, I don't really feel like hanging out with people at all", which is bullshit and just the little bit of my depression that occasionally rears its head when I'm not depressed.
Just caught myself editing my post. Like it's a creative writing piece or something. I do that a lot. That's why it's hard for me to keep a journal. I concentrate too much on it being pretty and correct and find myself erasing shit because the rhythm is off. Speaking of, who's up for a writing party tomorrow?
Okay now they're apparently into the slow songs section of the album and it's kinda boring.
Still need to do a photo shoot with my faerie costume. I want some good, woodsy pictures of that costume.
Why am I sleepy? This couch feels so commmmmmmfy....